sunday

sunday; sun rays cutting through my blinds, minor hangover, to create is to destroy, fingertips on piano keys, avocado on toast, writing letters i will most likely never send, less thoughts of you, cool nights, specks of white flickering in the sky, this is not the end

kinda girl

I am the kind of girl that you take home to meet your mom

and she loves me

when you are mean to me

and lose me,

she will ask why I’m not around

did she ever do that before?

with your ex-girlfriend for

she makes you feel like shit anyways

and the reason why you stopped being on your phone

all the damn time

trying to flirt with someone you hardly even know

to fill a void

I won’t stay long

I’m not the kind of girl

who gets caught in a web

with someone who doesn’t look towards the future

than with someone who always puts me second (never again)

and I am not to be pushed to the side

I am not an option

I am all or nothing

does that intimidate you?

that makes you wonder why you didn’t look more carefully at the sky

before you met me

(maybe I will)

and the kind of girl who is terrified of you

because she doesn’t know how to let someone in

because I like your mom too and I don’t want

her to text me six months from now saying

it had been a pleasure to know me

and she wishes I was still around

I am the kind of girl that you give up the late night text messages

but if you don’t drop that for me

I am the kind of girl who would rather be alone

I am the kind of girl

you probably trust me

and think I could complete you

Quiero

Un "Buenos días" 

Un beso

Y un café 

Un "Buen provecho" 

Un par de risas 

Y un té

Un "¿Como te fue?"

Una caricia 

Y un vino

Un "Descansa"

Una mirada 

Y un te amo 

april ninth

Growing up I thought being in love was red roses, dates on Saturday nights, pretty jewelry, Friday night movie premiers, kisses in the rain, and boxes that held expensive things. I thought true love was a story with a picture perfect ending. Now that I’m older I’ve realized it’s not that at all. True love isn’t something you find in a Disney movie. Being in love is screaming at 5 AM till you cry out of anger, but knowing they won’t leave. It’s saving each other’s selfies, good or bad, just to look at them because you miss each other. It’s being comfortable enough to talk about anything. It’s saying all the wrong things at the wrong moments. It’s leaving someone in complete control of your heart, but trusting them not to break you. It’s screaming the lyrics to your favorite songs together. It’s honesty even when it hurts and sarcasm when they’re sad. It’s lame jokes and sleepless nights. It’s fights and make up sex. It’s hour long showers and breakfast in the morning. It’s all night phone calls instead of texting. It’s the small things. It’s coffee shop dates and finding new books to read. It’s holding hands and kissing ever so passionately. It’s being able to sit at home just basking in the presence of someone you love with every fiber of your being. It’s wanting to share every moment with that one person. It’s finding yourself awake at 3 AM craving them asleep next to you. It’s little nick names and making fun of each other. It’s being called things like ‘little shit’ or ‘baby’ or ‘love of my life.’ It’s being able to fall asleep knowing that person will still be there in the morning. It’s being apart and knowing nothing will change. It’s deep talks at 6 AM. It’s days full of laughter and tears. It’s capturing the world’s beauty though their eyes. It’s not about the sex or the gifts, it’s about finding someone who pours their love into your deepest cracks making you whole once again. It’s feeling part of you missing when you’re apart. It’s finally being able to love yourself even half as much as that person loves you. Love is the only thing left in the world worth fighting for. Don’t you dare settle for a boy who makes you feel good for a night, or a girl who boosts your ego at a party. Mindfucking love is the holy grail of all love. Being in love will fuck you up in more ways than you can imagine and it’s absolutely fucking heart-wrenching, but at the same time it’s the most beautiful thing in the world.

4/6

I am an ocean


Fluid and changing

You are a mountain


Constant and sure

And no matter how many times

my waves try to push you away


You stay


And you stay


And you stay

Winston Churchill

"We are masters of the unsaid words. But slaves of those we let slip out."

april third

I keep writing about you.
They tell me my words are beautiful.
I don’t know why.
Maybe because they’re written for you,
you’re beautiful.
But what they don’t know,
what you don’t know,
Is that I stare at this blank fucking paper
and all I feel is rage,
anger and frustration.
Because I write down these things
and it never comes close to what I feel.
But if actions could be translated to words,
I would write me shouting in my fucking car.
Because your favorite song came up on my god damned pandora station again.
I would write me standing in the shower while the scolding water burns my skin
as I try to think of the exact moment i lost you.
And then I would write me shutting off the water
in total defeat.
Because I realize I never even had you.
I would write how a fire starts in my chest
whenever I see a picture of you.
And I would write how my eyes burn
as I continue to stare at the goddamn ceiling at 3am missing you.
Being up that late was only fun when you were around.

I wish you were still around…

I don’t even know how to fucking end this.
There’s no poetic way to say I feel like fucking shit.

the well and the wisher

You’re back again, and I’ve forgotten 

everything I’ve learned in your 

absence.


I give you my knees, my thighs, my hands,


and you take them because you think I know better now.


This is the problem.


I disappear inside of you and make 


you fish me back out when it’s all over.


I rename myself Lonely so that when


you come along, I forget what it means.


This is the problem.


I don’t know how to keep myself


when you’re around.


I don’t know how to let love inside and follow after it.


I don’t know how to keep the keys.


So if I ever tell you that I still haven’t
figured out how to kiss like I’m not 


giving something away, don’t laugh. 


Don’t tell me I’m being dramatic or 

that my poet is showing.


I am an empty bed for you, do you understand? 


I am a vacant hand, open and silent and begging.


I am a broken record that will only

sing your name 


and it isn’t pretty, 


the way I give myself, my magic away  like it is nothing.


It isn’t pretty at all

11:22//11:26

i want to cut my hair and smoke my lungs out. i want to play loud music and drink so much i forget how to breathe. i want the world to stop spinning for just one goddamn second. it doesn’t even have to be a second, a quarter of a second would be nice. i want to delete everything of yours from everything of mine. i want to sit on a bus and tell my whole life story to the first stranger that smiles at me. and then leave. i want to remember what it feels like to feel without wanting to build a fortress around me. i want someone to look me in the eye and tell me the truth about everything and anything. i want to not be so fucking scared. all the time. i want to not hurt for one whole minute. just one minute, what’s sixty seconds in the grand scheme of things anyway. i want to remember what it feels like to be twelve and in love for the first time. do you remember what that was like? i want to sleep until the moment before forever. i want to get so close to the feeling of forever that i can taste it on my tongue, feel it on my skin, see it with my own eyes, just to see if it’s worth it. i want you to know how much you mean to me and i’m sorry for all the times i stopped myself from telling you. i want to re-live the best moments in my life so far just so i can remind myself that good things do and will happen. i want to kiss death on the forehead and tell him i’m not just ready yet. i want to kiss the universe on the cheek and tell her thank you for always being here, thank you for reminding me how much i love to be alive

4/1

I want to meet someone who makes me feel the way music does